Tonight is the last full day/night here.  Yes, I know the house is a mess right now.  You all know I am a severe neat freak, but I gave up on cleaning, no point since we are moving. 

Today I found this spider next to your side of the computer table.  I killed him with Ant Raid. 

The End,

Love,

Your freaky wife that isn’t afraid of anything like you!

My kids do not have beds anymore, just mattresses.  They are all sleeping on the floor in the living room for now, as seen by the picture.  We should be sleeping at Grampa’s house by Wednesday.

For once I did not wake up with a migraine.  I had a really bad one yesterday and so we got nothing done.  I was crabby as all hell from the pain, not to mention it was really hot and sticky out.  What a difference it makes if you feel well.  I also actually slept to!  First time in weeks. I didn’t get my ass up until 10:15.  I told Rich last night that I was going to lay in bed until I wasn’t tired, since we are losing our bed shortly.  Need to get it all in now! It will be strange going from a big, comfy king bed….to the floor! 

That is about it for now.  Kids are helping.  I needed to take our freezer from the garage to Grampa’s house, but I couldn’t lift it.  I am not one for waiting around for Rich to get home, so I took the dolly and pushed it over to his house.  That was a sight to see!

I took it last night and it didn’t make me tired at all.  Not even a hint of being tired.  I was up the entire night and fell asleep at my usual time of 6:30am.  I was back awake at 7:30am and then laid there for one more hour before getting in the shower.  I had to pick up my 10yr old from Grampa’s house and drive a long ways to our Therapist’s office for our 10am appointment.

That will be my last early morning appointment.  I can not focus on talking with her as clearly as when I am more awake.  I just am not all there that early after not sleeping.  I told her I still am not sleeping, but that is as far as it went, as the appointment wasn’t for me, but for my daughter.

I was exhausted when we came home and after we made a trip to drop off a bunch of trash, I went to lay down at 1:00PM thinking surely I would sleep since I have been up now for a few weeks.  I took the Vistaril again and nothing happened.  My eyes were wide opened and I laid there for almost three hours straight so frustrated.

I’m not going to take it again because what is the point if it isn’t putting me to sleep?

It smells like paint, like most of the medicine I have received.  It stinks badly.  I don’t like putting something in my body that smells that gross.  That can’t be healthy!

I can’t even get my muscle relaxer to put me to sleep, nothing works, so I just can’t take anything.  The muscle relaxer doesn’t help my neck either.

I see my Psychiatrist August 5th for my monthly checkup, so I will either bring up the insomnia there or I might even call him Monday to talk about again.  I don’t know what else to do.  I just lay there.

I have tried Tylenol PM, Ambien (I slept walked on that, freaky!), Seroquel (we all know where that led), Advil PM, Unisom, Vistaril, Mirtazapine, Trazadone, Risperdal, Lamictal, and other pills over the last year.  Even tried Melatonin, that didn’t work.

Pretty much the picture is what I have tried over the last year.  Ever since starting the heavy dosage of Psychiatrict medicines last October, sleep went right out the door.

Gather Sour Cream, Cream of Chicken Soup, Frozen or Unfrozen Chicken, Chicken Stuffing, and Swiss Cheese.

Lay chicken down flat.

Take the swiss cheese and layer over chicken to cover. I forgot to take a picture of this.

Mix 1 cup sour cream with 1 cup cream of chicken soup.

Mix and spread over cheese evenly.

Cook stuffing per box instructions.  Spread over mixture.

Bake at 350 degrees for one hour.

Serve!

I lay there and toss and turn all night, I get up and walk around or play on my phone.  It is driving me nuts.

I talked to my court ordered doctor this morning, he called me back, and told him I can’t sleep still.  I told him about this same problem when I saw him a few weeks ago.  I also told my regular doctor on Monday that I could not sleep, but nothing was done then either.

He said he would give me Vistaril.  I have taken lots of that in my lifetime.  My old Psychiatrist gave me that last year and it did mixed things.  One day it would make me too exhausted to move, other times it would keep me wide awake for days.  I really remember that medicine well.

I have mixed reactions on trying it again.  I hate medicine for the most part.  It is basically Benedryl.  It is used for anxiety and insomnia.  My old doctor gave it to me for anxiety.  I do not want to take a drug that is going to put me in a coma state and neither does my doctor.

I don’t know what to do.  I need to sleep, but no medicine works on me.  The only medicine to ever put me to sleep was Seroquel and of course I will never take that again.  I even tried Ambien last year and I woke up at the other end of the house!  That was a crazy medicine.

He asked me if I was feeling any mania.  I am not.  I can tell the difference.  This is just me, up all night.  I guess I will need to figure out what to do.

Yesterday our neighbor parked in front of our driveway again, while we were out there.  Ashley, our 6yr old, goes really loud “mommy, he parked in front of our driveway.”  Even the kids know!

It is going to be weird going back to sleeping on the floor, but I can do it.  It will be a huge change from having our nice, comfy bed.  At least we will be with Grampa, the most calm man I have ever met.

It is cloudy here in Phoenix today, that makes moving even better.  I love cloudy days, they make me happy.

I have to take down the beds this weekend and I am going to give them to Goodwill.  We have had the beds for years and we want to start over when we move out of Grampa’s house.

I am a little nervous of being over there, even though I have already done it before.  I am hoping we all settle in okay.

I went out and bought a few groceries last night.  I was trying not to get much since we aren’t staying here much longer, but I couldn’t hold out on basic things.

Next week I will be cleaning all week!

Our house is so empty, it feels weird.

The problem is, there is already a major lawsuit out there for this drug, so I need to find a lawyer that knows what to do about it, if I can do anything at all.

I am going to keep trying.  I am not giving up this easily, not after what it did to me.  I might be just one person, but I still don’t like Astrazeneca’s sneakiness.

He went right to bed and stayed there for a long time.  I putzed around the house trying to figure out what to do with this move.

He left for bowling and I decided that I just didn’t feel like going to it tonight.  No reason why, just wasn’t up for it.  And I am so glad I stayed home.  It started to pour here and have a mild thunderstorm.  Nice to see the monsoon kicking in.  HovelingHermit made my wish come true by sending me their rain! 

The kids love the rain and wanted to play in it of course.  The downside is that I have to try to keep the floors and carpet clean due to this move, so I didn’t let them.  Not only that, but it was lighting out and I didn’t want them to get hit!  They were all excited to then see a full rainbow after it was finished, pictured below.

Monsoons are so beautiful here, as long as the storm isn’t violent, which rarely it is.

It is really hot out here too!  I have had to spend a lot of time out in the garage and that wears you out fast.  Yesterday, I had to push over this huge tiller to my FIL’s house so I could get it out of the house.

I don’t mind working, I actually love it.  These bruises are from lifting, moving, and going through tons of things.  I am bumping into everything and since I bruise so easily, they hurt!

Rich is lucky to have such a hard working wife! I do about a zillion things every day and get worn out, but it has to be done.

Isn’t this a lovely bruise on my knee?  Sucker hurts!

I do not drink much.  When I do drink, it is only margaritas.  I do not like beer or anything else.  I have noticed that when I drink more than one big margarita, it can put you into a high and then a low pretty quick.  That does not mix well with Bipolar, so I need to be more careful.  I do not get “mean” or “angry” or “wild”.  I get quiet after the high settles in.  I get very very quiet.  That can be read wrong to people around me.

For instance, last night we did our every other Wednesday night at the Fraternity for hamburger night with the kids.  This place is full of really nice people and they all love the kids.  My kids love to go there, especially during singing night, which was last night.

The bartender is really cool and makes good margaritas.  They are $2.50 each, so how can I really pass one up?  They are about 5oz, with only half of the glass actually being the drink, the other half is ice.  So it isn’t a lot of alcohol for one drink, maybe 3 oz.  (Picture of said drink is in post) So I had three last night, which would equal to about one big drink from say Olive Garden or Chilis.  Nothing out of the norm for me.

The probably is, is that after a while, about an hour and a half in, it turns me really quiet.  Deathly quiet.  I am not sad, depressed, or anxious, I just want to be quiet.  Again, not a bad thing, but people around me tend to think there is something wrong.  Last night, Rich immediately thought I was upset about something and I wasn’t.  I just felt tired and quiet.

I usually only drink one margarita a week, at the most two.  That is a not a lot and I deserve it, lol, after taking care of the kids.  It is just that I have noticed that people tend to think I am having Bipolar issues after the high point of it wears off.

I am a talkative person all of the time, whether I have drank anything or not, so for people to see me quiet makes them wonder if I am ok.

I told Rich I will only drink if I know I am going to bed when we get home.  If I have things to do afterwards, I will not drink, as that does not mix well.

Alcohol does not make me feel that great afterwards.  I tend to feel sick to my stomach, as I am not a regular drinker.  My body pretty much never  knows what is going on.

No real point to this point except to say maybe drinking even occasionally isn’t my thing.  I never get much out of drinking.

Then just now they told Rich and I they were making turkey sandwiches for lunch.  Again, I think nothing of it.  I let the kids make their own things, as they are old enough for the most part.  She just goes over to Rich and says “my jello and mayo sandwich is gross”.

Umm yeah.  Third time the charm?!

Mackenzie and Tanner each have one job.  Tanner is to keep the dishwasher loaded and unloaded at all times (he is almost 9yrs old and has been doing this chore for 3 years) and Mackey is to hang up and fold each load that comes out of the dryer and move it over.  I put the new loads in. They are also in charge of keeping their room clean, but that is a given.

So yesterday I reminded her when she got home to check the wash.  I am a little odd in how I do it.  If laundry is already sitting in the dryer, I have her start it for about three minutes.  This makes the clothes non wrinkled and fresh again.  Then she is take them out and put them away.

So I asked her yesterday if this was all done about an hour after getting home and she looked me right in the eyes and said “yes”.  I didn’t think much more of it.  Then last night, Rich was trying to find his black shorts.  We looked all over, including the washer and dryer, they were not there.  I was stumped.  I told him I would check Mackey’s room.  Sure enough, I found both loads of clothing in a ball in her closet hidden in the back.

I was so mad.  Why was I upset?  Because I don’t feel I need to check her work at almost 11 years old. She pulls this crap all of the time.  She just doesn’t get it or she truly doesn’t care.  I hate saying this, but she doesn’t like to work at all.

Now, this is a measly five minute job.  She has been doing this job for two to three years now.  What made me more upset was that she was over at Grampa’s again last night helping his room mate with something and I texted him and told him she needed to come home.  I am so sick of her getting rewarded.

I went over at almost 10PM and she was sitting there.  I looked her right in the eyes and said “what did you do wrong today?”  She knew right away and started to cry.  Tears don’t work for me in these situations.

I was then told that maybe that chore is too much for her.  I do not agree.  She has been doing it for three years.  It is pure laziness.  As I said, she is always pulling this crap.  I was really surprised to be told that this chore was too much.  I don’t see how folding a pair of underwear and putting it in a drawer and then hanging a shirt is too much.  I don’t.

At 8 years old, I was mowing lawns, taking apart pools, cleaning houses from top to bottom.  Now, I know my case is a little different.  But still, I do not at all think folding a few pairs of clothing is too much.

I felt flustered and just left.  I did not take her home as I was told I was probably the wrong one.

What did I do wrong?  I was the “wrong” one for giving her that chore, that just made me really surprised.

I am very open in my blog.  If someone doesn’t agree with how I do things, please leave me a comment and tell me, so I can do things better next time.  In this situation, I do not know what I did wrong.  I told her to fold the wash (two loads) and she told me it was done.  I didn’t feel I had to check her work at her age.  I was lied to.  Then I was told later that the job was too much for her.  I have total confusion here now.

They are really destroying my life, I can’t focus on anything.  I can barely talk because that even hurts and I have no energy due to them.  My sex life is gone right now too (poor husband), as I can’t move, lol.

I needed to desperately pack today, but due to the pounding pain, I could not start moving around until 2:00PM, after I asked Grampa for a Vicodin, desperate for some relief.

I do not like medicine, but when I am in this much pain, that goes out the door.  Of course if it was a Psychotic medicine, I wouldn’t take it at all.  I have only taken Vicodin and Perocet a handful of times in my life, as they make me feel weird.

I took them after I had a wisdom tooth pulled and after my breast implant surgery, as that was the most painful procedure I have ever had, even over my four c-sections.  For a week to ten days straight, I was “high” on those pain pills and slept pretty much throughout the whole thing.  I can see why people get addicted.

So Grampa gave me two today.  I never ask for these things and he knows this.  He knows I have to really be in pain.  He has a handful left from his wife who passed away.

I took one and I feel so much better right now, well enough to finally move around and get some furniture over to Goodwill.  Of course I know it will wear off shortly, so I need to get it all done quickly!

As far as my sleeping goes, I am totally screwed.  I hate complaining but I am truly not sleeping.  I take cat naps around 6:30AM and wake up about 3 times until about 9:30AM and then I am up for the day.  I am up all night, laying there or constantly getting up.

Ever since I got off of this Seroquel, I have had both the sleep issues and the constant migraines.  From everything I have read of other’s experiences, bad migraines after weaning off of Seroquel and Lamictal are normal.  Fucking medical companies.  Nothing like being destroyed still even when I’m not taking the medicine!

As far as my neck pain, that started in the Hospital in April.  It was so severe in there, that the nurse had to give me Motrin 600mg every 4 to 6hrs.  I was in tears and at one point, I was actually crying because the nurse forgot my dosage.  Another patient had to beg her to give it to me because my neck was too inflamed to move.

The neck pain is common for me.  About every two years, I go through this.  It is caused by severe stress.  I started to see a Chiropractor last week because I might as well use my 20 visits that my insurance covers. Why waste it when I’m in pain?

My Chiropractor is really cool and good.  The first time I went in there last week, she almost died when she felt how inflamed my neck was.  She said “it is like concrete”.  She had a hard time adjusting me because if I moved it, I was fighting back tears.  I have a lot of work to do on it.

She took  x-rays and showed them to me on Saturday.  My spine is all out of alignment.  You can see how messed up it is.  She told me I was the third person last Thursday to call her to start treatment due to stress.  I see her three times a week for now.

I physically feel terrible.  The medicine, the lack of sleep, and the neck pain are all wearing me down.  Rich can tell I do not feel well at all.  He keeps telling me to try to take naps and I do, but I just lay there.  I can not sleep no matter what.

The timing of the medical issues is hard, due to us moving.

I went to my Therapist appointment bright and early this morning to discuss what happened and I explained to her that now I know how Rich felt during the last few months I was in bed so depressed and snapping at him.  It is a horrible feeling.

I sat down with Rich a few days ago and pretty much said “sit down and shut up and let me talk”.    He did.  I told him how I felt and I told him I understood he wasn’t trying to hurt me and that I knew he was proud of me for helping others and getting my life story out.  I told him that when each one of us are depressed, we tend to lash out in the place that will hurt the most.  He said we need to not do that anymore, as he saw how much this has truly affected me.

This whole thing did cause me to close my Twitter account and lose a lot of friends for suddenly leaving.  I felt so lost after it happened and just felt like giving up on blogging and talking on Twitter,  etc.  I was very numb for a week, not talking to anyone, feeling like complete crap.  Self esteem totally shot after I had worked so hard to build it up.  When I am upset like that, I hide, Leia and Tricia know this first hand!  And sometimes it takes me forever to peek my head back out again.

I feel better today after talking to my Therapist.  She knows that Rich didn’t mean to lash out and she knows we are not all perfect.  She knows that Rich too can have his times when he needs support if he feels some depression.  Rich and I have been through so much these past ten months due to all of this Bipolar,  Medicine, Jail, Hospitals, etc.  and so we are both still trying to heal from all of that.

I don’t like when Rich is depressed, as it is very rare.  The strain of moving in such hot weather and these neighbor issues, have been very hard on him and I.

He feels he somehow failed with this house because we are moving so suddenly.  He wanted this to be a place we really settled down for a while.  I understand why he might feel this way, but I am not at all angry about leaving.  This house has been a curse.

Every time I see our bedroom, I think of all of the horrible fights I started due to the extreme amount of anxiety and anger the Seroquel caused.  As soon as I got off of that drug, that all stopped, but it is still tarnished.  We are not even keeping our bed, that is going.

He did not fail with this house.  We are not happy here and haven’t been since day one.  It is a great house, but to me, us being happy is much more important and there is nothing but stress here.

I am not going to talk about this issue anymore, except to say I love him and none of us are perfect.

My Therapist told me my job for this week was to get back into blogging, no matter what.  I am back on Twitter, but I am taking that account very slowly and cautiously.

I wanted to thank Rennee, StarrLitLove, Monica, Leia, Tricia, Panic Monster, Liam, Pandora, MindinFlux for caring so much and writing to much.

I am getting daily migraines, so severe, it is hard to move and I do not sleep ever, so those two things along with moving in this heat are not fun.

I am doing pretty much all of the moving on my own, as Rich can’t take off any time during the week.  He has been making a lot of trips to the City Garbage, as we are getting rid of a lot of things.  I have also taken pretty much everything to Goodwill.  They are getting a lot of really nice things.

Due to not having any time to look for a new place, we are staying with Rich’s dad for now.  I will be sleeping on the floor out in the living room!  Eek.  I did this for a month when I got out of the hospital. Thankfully, they make foam pads!

I am not sure how long we will be camped out there.  We have a small amount of debt we are going to pay off during this process, mainly medical bills due to me being in the hospital about six times in this past year.

I got a storage unit yesterday that is less than a mile from his dad’s house.  All of the rest of the stuff will go in there for now, mainly memories.  No pictures though! Too hot, they would get ruined instantly in this heat.

We are doing a little bit each day.  It is too hot to be moving all in one day, so by taking trips over to storage, the dump, and Goodwill daily, we are saving a lot of stress and work.  Getting overworked in this heat is not good for us, especially the kids.

No one has rented this house yet, but some people were through it today for about 40 minutes.  Hoping they are interested, as we are liable for any months this house is not filled, since we are breaking a lease.

Neighbors are still shitheads.  Same crap, different day.  Driveway blocked all day, blah.  Neighbors to our right had their driveway completely blocked by two cars today, no way to get in at all.  I don’t understand people’s thinking?!

I love Rich’s dad, he is my best friend.  I am not at all upset about going with him, just a bit stressed as it will be eight people in a small house.

This rental house has a been nothing more than a nightmare.  The air conditioner broke and they have no emergency service so we have to wait until next Tuesday or Wednesday.  Our house is almost at 90 degrees.

I haven’t been happy here since the moment we moved in.  For what we pay, it has been nothing but stressful.

No more Lamictal, Seroquel, Risperdal, Geodon, Tegretal, Lithium, Zoloft, Lexapro, Abilify, Trazadone, Xanax, Klonopin, and well….the list goes on and on, these are just the highlights of the year.

I never thought a person could take so many pills and still be alive, but somehow I am!

I have now been off of the Lamictal for about a week and a half. I will write about the rest of that withdrawal soon, as I feel it is important for others taking this drug. I do not take any other medicine.  It feels very strange.  Sort of surreal.

I am still court ordered until April of 2010.  I see my “Doctor” mid August next. Sorry, I have a hard time choking up the word “Doctor”.

I am still in shock at how hard I fought to get off of these terrible medicines.  I really wish I had videotaped or at least voice recorded it!

Free.  What a lovely word.

PS-  It is 2:30am, I still am not sleeping, I am up for days, I will write that too in another post.  All kinds of weird noises going on in the house tonight, creeping me out!

We aren’t in much communication with our landlord.  I think he is just upset because he has to deal with this issue with the neighbors after we leave, or else he will just continue to have this problem.

We need a holding place right now.  Not looking for a house, I really need some time to go through neighborhoods and see what it is like at nighttime, etc, before I jump back in again.  I am not going to go through this disaster again!

What sucks is that we just paid almost $4000 to move in here and that was obviously just wasted money.  Now we have to start all over again in a whole new area.

We also will be moving while it is 115 out and two weeks before the kids to go to school.  It is going to be very hard, but for those who know me, they know I am very determined and I always make something happen.

This is a portion of the last email I sent the landlord. I do feel bad, but what can you do?

As far as the neighbor issue, I am just numb with it anymore and have no desire to be here next to them. We talked to the right hand neighbor yesterday, as he was out doing work.  First time I have ever met him. Very nice but the second I even mentioned cars, he rolled his eyes and said “where do I even start with it?”  He is at his wits end too.  He said the neighbors were always in our backyard drinking alcohol.  We find beer bottles back there and have never figured out where they come from.  I know none of this matters and I won’t talk about it anymore, as I just feel like no matter what, they just don’t care.  After him shrugging his shoulders and saying he will continue to block the driveways, that was my final straw.  So shocked at how people can be for no reason.

I am not going to let them get away with almost killing me twice now!  I am angry.  I am angry that I can not take care of my kids today, not to mention yesterday and probably for the whole weekend to come.

I am angry that I can’t eat again, that my pants are falling off. I am angry that I was not listened to.  I am angry that I was forced on this.

I am just angry.  My Doctor gets to sleep at night.   I can’t.  My doctor gets to eat all of his meals, I can’t.  My doctor gets to enjoy life, I can’t…again.

To go through this again so soon just upsets me so much.  Rich is so upset too.  He wanted me to call the Doctor today, but in reality, there is nothing they can do.  Once you start withdrawing off of these horrendous Psych medicines, you are pretty much fucked.

I don’t even want to talk about the dark thoughts it has caused me over the last 24hrs.  Sadly, this is normal. And I never have dark thoughts! Ever!

Please let me stay alive over the next week.

Someone needs to stand up to the medical community, that is why I was born, to fight the shit out of them.

I really can’t take going through anymore this year, I just can’t.  I have been through so much.

I can not sleep at all.  I am up all night or just laying there all night.  I have been up for four days straight with only two hours of sleep.  I hate medicine and that includes sleeping pills.  I was desperate though and tried Tylenol PM only for it so make me feel so much worse and not even put me to sleep.  It gave me the feeling of big bugs going all over my legs.  The insomnia is beyond human at this point.  I have four kids to take care of, I need to feel alive.

My head is pounding, massive sleep and withdrawal headache.

My heart is pounding from not sleeping, a common side effect for me not sleeping.

My hands are all sweaty, constantly, just like the Seroquel.  It is almost impossible to type, they stick right to the keyboard.

My stomach hurts so much, I can barely move. I also can not eat without wanting to throw it up.  I am again losing more weight when I don’t really have any weight to lose!

My body brain and my poor body.  It has been through such a hell year of constant medicine destroying my body.

Lamictal is a really bad drug as well.  It affects the female reproductive organs which most people do not know.

It gave me really dark thoughts last night as well, which I do not get anymore.  This is because I am so delusional and just not there.  My body is floating around.

I am once again so angry at the Judge and my Doctor.  Why do I have to keep going through this stuff?

So many other people go through the same horrible withdrawals.  Here are a few other statements from them:

Lamictal withdrawal symptoms that I have experienced have been pure agony and confusion. The first thing I noticed was a feeling of not being in my body. I feel like I am dreaming and outside of myself. I can’t focus on what I am doing very well and my thoughts are dark and self destructive. I have very suicidal thoughts, which is especially scary since I am in a trance like state. Cutting my wrist open would seem like watching a movie to me at this point. I am just so emotionally detached

The most commonly reported withdrawal symptoms associated with this drug are; irritability with rage and feelings of hostility so strong that the person fears they have lost of control of their emotions; loss of focus and confusion to the degree that their jobs are at risk and their lives are unmanageable; lethargy and exhaustion, and constant, dibilitating migrane type headaches. “Brain flashes” or feelings of being “zapped” in the brain are another difficult symptom. There have also been many accounts of having vivid nightmares, constant dizziness, anxiety, as well as racing and irrational thoughts, which include thoughts of committing suicide. Feelings of worthlessness and severe depression have also been determined as a Lamictal withdrawal symptom.

Many patients mention that although they have had to withdraw from other drugs, Lamictal appears to cause a harsher withdrawal and they feel that they are “going crazy” and are “standing on the precipice of suicide” because of Lamictal withdrawal symptoms.

These are only a few of course, there are thousands of other people going through the same thing.

Drugs are wonderful.  Destroying someone’s brain and mind all year is even better.

Not many things bother me.  But lying does.

I was accused of lying today.  Rich was told that I was telling people on my blog and Twitter that I am telling people to not take medicine.

When I came down this morning after giving up on sleeping again, Rich told me about it. He didn’t expect my reaction. I didn’t get mad, I laughed.

Why?  Go through my blog and my Twitter posts.  It is plastered all over that this is my opinion for myself of medicine and it is also all over that I would never, ever tell people to not take medicine.  That is not my place.

A ton of people read my blog daily.  No one has ever sent me a message saying it wasn’t right of me to tell people to not take medicine.  That is because I don’t do it.

Do I hate medicine? We all know I do.  I only not like it because it did not work for me.  There is a % of people to where it doesn’t work, I am in that %.

And if you wonder why I am so against Seroquel and I fight AstraZeneca so hard and talk about it in my blog so much, that is because it almost killed me. I do not want it to kill another person.  13,000 people a year are already dead.

That is why I put my story out about Seroquel, to make sure people know what it can do to them possibly. If I can help only one person, then I know I am making a difference.  And I know I already have.

Just because I am off this terrible medicine, doesn’t mean I won’t stop helping other people who come to my site to learn about it.  And many people do.  Today someone googled and found my site because they typed in “Seroquel withdrawal itching”.  I went through that same horrible itching.  That helps them to know by reading I had the same itching, they are not alone and this is a very typical withdrawal symptom. So yes, I tend to fight against Seroquel a lot more.  Most of that is aimed at the Doctors and the Drug Company.

Don’t follow me on Twitter if you can’t handle me not liking medicine.  Do not type my blog web address in if you do not want to hear my beliefs. It is simply that easy.

Everyone who reads my blog, knows I have warnings all over it, especially if it is a delicate topic.  I am bold and I am proud of it.  I go places in my blog that a lot of people wouldn’t go.  Mental illness seems to be a “hush hush” thing.  That is what change for yourself is all about.  Learn, understand, and explore new things about yourself and your mental illness.  Reach deep into your mind and others to learn all you can.

If you ever see me telling someone to not take medicine, I will give you my address so you can personally kick my ass.

To all of the tons of supporting messages today, thank you so much.  Even those that don’t agree with me on medicine, agree to disagree in a respectful manner.

I rarely use the block button on Twitter, in this case I did. Ignorance is just a waste of time for me.  Once I block, I never go back.

As said on Twitter tonight, courtesy of Witchyangl:

We’re all different and need different

I went to my doctors appointment totally exhausted yesterday. At that point, I was awake for 30hr straight.

I wish Rich would have been there with me, but he could not take off of work.  Grampa watched the kids and I am so glad he did.

My doctor came and got me and I sat down, very tense.  He asked me how I did with weaning off the Seroquel.  I laughed.  Now he knows I had trouble because if you all remember, I had to make an emergency appointment to see him in the middle of weaning me.

Lets look back for one brief moment.  During my almost 3 week withdrawal off of Seroquel, I didn’t sleep for 6 days straight (except 2hrs sitting up), I didn’t eat for 7 days, I lost so much weight, my hip bones were sticking out and my pants fell right now. I had massive migraines for weeks, I couldn’t eat or drink anything.  I also had the feeling of ants all over me for a long time.  Those are just the bigger problems.

Well that was the wrong question to ask me to start off an appointment.

My response “Seroquel almost killed me and it destroyed my family for over 10 weeks”.

Not the answer he was expecting.  At all.

Don’t ever tell a Psychiatrist that medicine is bad.  It won’t end well.  Psychiatrists job are to push medicine.  The more they push and hand out like candy, the more money lots of people make.

I didn’t hold back.  I was crying at one point, raising my voice telling him the Court system and him are slowly destroying my life again with this Lamictal, when I had just gotten off of the Seroquel.

I told him I am seriously going to look  into a lawsuit against them because no one told me any of this. They put it on me in the hospital without taking the time to tell me it could kill me and it does kill people.  13,000 a year.  I have so much proof of what this medicine did to me.

My doctor tried to cut me off a lot.  Of course.  They are on a time schedule and he noticed I was not leaving until I got every little thing out that was upsetting me.  Needless to say but the time I actually left, he was very late for his next appointment. I don’t care. It is my turn to talk this time.

He said he wanted to keep me on the Lamictal. I refused and told him that.  I told him that I am once again not sleeping, just as it did to me when I took it for five months last year.  I reminded him of my rather large family and that as a mom, I need to be alert, I have to sleep. This comes from Wikipedia on Lamictal and sleep:

However, a retrospective study of 109 patients’ medical records found that 6.7% of patients experienced an ‘alerting effect’ resulting in intolerable insomnia, for which the treatment had to be discontinued.^[28]

This is what I have on it, intolerable insomnia.  At the time of starting to write this post, I have now been awake for over 55hrs straight.

He kept trying to tell me it would get better. This is what all doctors will try to tell you if they are pushing you on a med.  Again, he forgot I was already on it for 5 months, it never got better, only worse.

I also explained that I am started to very slowly feel the irrational thoughts and anxiety creep back.  I will not allow that back

WTF?  Seriously. Is there just no common sense left in this world?  I explained again that Lamictal is the drug I was on when I went downhill starting in October of last year.    On Lamictal, I tried suicide three times and I was so depressed I couldn’t move.

Let me remind everyone that when you go to a drug website and type in Lamictal, you will find this.

Suicidal Behavior and Ideation

Antiepileptic drugs (AEDs), including LAMICTAL, increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior in patients taking these drugs for any indication. Patients treated with any AED for any indication should be monitored for the emergence or worsening of depression, suicidal thoughts or behavior, and/or any unusual changes in mood or behavior.

Welcome to my world. I can not at all handle Psychiatric medicines.  I 100% fall into this percentage of people that react negativity to these meds.  This has happened to me on all Depression and Mood Stabilizers.

So the genius Court System and my Doctor want to keep me on this drug.  So I said to him “so you want me to go right back into the depression and suicidal state and try to kill myself on this?”  I did not back down. I told him I was absolutely not going to destroy my poor, overmedicated head anymore.

He backed down.

So he keeps saying he is worrying about a depression or mania session happening.  I understand that, I really do.

However, as I explained to him, there has been reasons and triggers that have put me into these states.  As the Doctor and my Therapist have told me many times, it is how you react and cope with them.  I do not plan on ever hiding in my room again.  And my hypomanias?  Well we all read about how “bad” they are for me. 

Again, just another excuse to give me medicine that clearly does not work for me.  This doctor does not know me, he only knows a short few words on a piece of paper a Judge signed who saw me for a whole two minutes.

So then he says he is going to put me on Depression medicine! Holy crap, is this guy for real?  I yelled really loud and said “So you are going to put me on a medicine for depression when I am NOT DEPRESSED??????”  Yes, seriously.  I said this a few times and said I was not going to be put on poison for something that I do not at all have.  I have tension and stress (neighbors/moving), I am NOT depressed. I know what that is like.

He kind of put his head down at this point.  He then goes “lets go through the list of medicines and you tell me what you have been on already”. Ok.

He then starts listing off a ton of medicines. Guess what? I was on all of them. Then he goes to the depression medicine. Again, I have been on them all.

He then realized he had to give up.

Because I was so persistant with using my voice and giving the Court System and the Clinic my frustrations, he took me off of the meds.

No more Lamictal, no more Risperdal, Seroquel, Lithium, Depakote, Geodon, Tegretol, and well…the list goes on.  Don’t even get me started on the Depression meds I have been on, we might be here all night!

He told me to start weaning off of Lamictal last night. The bad withdrawal has already started, it is almost as bad as the Seroquel.

I said a lot of other things to him.  I was very blunt.  I told him the court has taken my rights away of what goes in my body and again, that they are destroying me. I told him they were setting me up to fail again so that they have a reason to put me back in the hospital and make even more money off of me.

Remember, these type of Doctors push medicine.  It is their job.  It is how they eat and live.  They will do anything they can to have you take more and more.  Kickbacks. This is the keyword here in my case.  If Kelly stays on these meds, we make more money even if she kills herself.

I told my Doctor that he didn’t watch me go through the last ten months.  He did not watch my family destruct, he wasn’t there when Rich walked out because the Seroquel screwed with me big time.  He wasn’t there through all of this destruction.

People are so scared to stand up to doctors.  Do not ever be afraid of telling your doctor that you are not comfortable with something.  Do not be afraid to fight for your body and your mind.

Do not ever put something in  your body that makes you feel bad, just to make a doctor happy.

I stopped reading a blog recently.  I hate to admit that, but you all know how blunt and honest I am.  This is not a blog from Twitter either, before everyone tries to figure out who it is.  It doesn’t matter what blog it is, that isn’t the point of this.

I felt guilty at first.  But then I had known I had made the right decision.

I read a lot of blogs, a lot,  most being about PTSD or Bipolar of course.  I also leave a lot of feedback and comments for other bloggers to let them know that I understand where they are coming from and that I am listening to their story and their voice.  It is what makes you stronger.

I have a favorite blog that I would like to make its own post for, this blog is truly beautiful, even if this person is going through bumps.

I do not judge people while reading it.  In this case however, I finally gave up and deleted the blog out of my list.  I did think hard about it though first.

What caused the deletion?

Blogging is a great way to get your emotions out.  I do it daily.  However, there comes a point in my life to where I can’t read constant depressing, negative posts.  I have never seen a positive post from this person.

I think life is too short, way to short to be so negative 100% of your life.  There is so much more to it.  I understand that there is Bipolar and I understand that people can get depressed.  But to me, there is a time to realize how precious your life really is.

Make a change.

I did.  I used to have a lot of negative posts in my very old blog, that probably only Tricia and Leia remember, but something just changed.

And before anyone says that I do not understand what people with PTSD, Bipolar, or severe depression go through, bull shit.  I have had so many throw up type traumatic things happen to me.  Most are too crazy to even type out, only Rich knows, and even then, he only knows half.

This includes sexual abuse.   Running away at 16 and taking care of myself, having your own mother walk out on you when you are 3, then again reappearing when you are 29, and then again leaving.  I also have eaten cow manure, had my tongue constantly put on a cow electrical wire.  I have had my mouth hit so hard while having braces, all of my mouth was bloody from the metal cutting it.  The list goes on.  I truly and honestly understand.

But I do not dwell on it anymore. I did before this whole experience with the hospital and jail.  I can’t anymore.  I can’t change it.

How can I make myself a better person though from it?

Do I now have negative posts on my blog?  Hell yes.  But I am not depressed at all anymore, I am stressed, big difference. My neighbors are lovely people, have I shared that yet?!

I am not hiding in bed like before, etc.  I even feel guilty when I post a negative entry.   I hate being negative, as does my husband.  It isn’t that I do not have negative experiences throughout my day, it is how you choose to use those issues and turn them into something positive.  Although I am still trying to figure out how to turn my awesome neighbors into something positive.  I’ll get back to you on that shortly.

For example for me.  Yes, I bitched and complained non stop for a few days about the neighbors.  I was very stressed.  I needed to get my anger out.

But in between all of that frustration, I had more important things going on.  I took pictures of my crazy kids, I took them bowling, took them to McDonalds, had a friend sleep over two days in a row for my son, took them to the Club house to run around and took them out back for a long water fight.

I am not showing off my skills of being a mother, I am simply showing you that by me constantly being depressed and in a black hole all of the time,  I am missing out on all of these wonderful things that I only get one chance at.

I do not want to miss anything in my children’s or husband’s lives. This year my kids will turn 11, 9, 7, and 6. Why would I want to ignore 10, 8, 6, and 5?  No more of that!

I guess what I am trying to say is that some people use their mental illness as a crutch or an excuse to be depressed all of the time or just downright miserable.  Maybe some people just truly hate life?  I am no longer doing that.  My medicine issue was a whole other story and doesn’t belong in this post.  That was a very negative issue I had no control over, at all.

I feel sometimes that mental illness has this control over people at times.  I find that so sad, I honestly mean it.  I want people to be able to emerge from this dark hole, as I am slowly doing.  It is hard though and takes a lot of work.

For this one blog, I never saw one positive thing.  I never heard about a pet they might have, any hobbies, or anything.  I love hearing about the good side to people’s lives.  Even a simple story of Andrew’s Maggie makes me smile so big.  It is like I want that dog to be right next to me, she is awesome.

It really got to me after a while.  I asked Rich if I was making the right choice in not returning to that site and he understood.

Is this wrong of me and just mean of me?  Some might see it that way.  But I can’t let negative people get me down.  I have been through too much.  So, I just simply do not go back.  I am constantly on the prowl for new blogs everyday, especially those targeted for a mental illness.

And some might wonder why I am even broadcasting this blog post.  Let me quickly explain.  Again, this isn’t about the person in question, this is about how mental illness can create a dark hole that we need to get out of, as life is truly too short.

I love reading others’ blogs, I truly do.  But for me, I just wanted to express how sometimes reading others constant negative posts, can affect you.  I also wanted to say, do not feel guilty if you feel this way.

Sometimes I think self pity all of the time, is truly not healthy.  I know, because I was there.  I always had a negative comment for everything.  That is not a good, healthy way to truly think.

And I am not saying that people should not write about their mental illness, please make sure that is understood clearly. I do everyday.  But my mental illness doesn’t have me.  My freaking Lamictal might, but again, a whole other story. 

I share so many different things in my blog.  I love to share it all. It is not all Seroquel, Court Orders, and the great Medical Community.  Yes, I have good and bad days, we all do, but do not let mental illness take control over your life.

I truly enjoy adding other fun topics to my blog and I always have pictures to share.  Life is too short to always be so serious.

As Grampa has told me many times, f*** it and don’t let it win.  We get one chance.   The last thing I want on my headstone is “Always Down”.  I want something awesome on it like “Scotty Baby!”  (Rich will understand this, lol!) Go out and experience life, in any way possible.  This goes along with my other post, it ties right into it.  You can find that here.

My next big step in life, is making friends, somehow, somewhere, even if it is just one or two.  Yes, I have a ton of online friends that are awesome people, but I am talking about people I can go out to have coffee with.

And as a side note, I will never be friends with another male, so I am only talking about females.  Don’t ask, I’ll get to that post eventually.  This excludes my online support community.

4:00am now.  Guess I am doomed for the night with no sleep.  Have gone up to bed a few times, only to have my eyes glued opened.  This doctors appointment today can’t come fast enough.  Even Rich will be awake in an hour or two. He is so frustrated about this medicine and how it keeps me up every night.  Again, what can we do about it now, at this moment?  Nothing.  Just take it for what it is and pray the doctor tomorrow at least attempts to hear my loud voice.

Live life.  Have bad days.  Have good days.  But do not ever let your mental illness win.

I am exhausted today but my kids wanted this.  If you want a good Fench Toast, this recipe here, is the best!  Here is how I do it, it is very easy.  I post about so many serious topics, that I like to throw in a fun one here and there.

Gather all ingredients on recipe.

Mix everything up carefully in shallow bowl.

Open your awesome bag of bread.  Take time to smell it, it is wonderful.

Coat both sides of bread in mixture, lay on skillet. I do 350 degrees.

Flip when golden brown.

When finished, sprinkle powered sugar and cinnamon over it.

Sit back and watch the kids make a mess with the syrup, errr I mean enjoy it. :

I was always deathly shy.  I never talked or even looked up at people.  I rarely smiled.  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t let people see how much I panic when I am near them.  I couldn’t let them see my horrible pain, as I had just ran away and had other shocks that happened to me.  I hated myself.  I couldn’t even buy gas, I was too scared!

When I started my first job many years ago, people thought I was actually rude and mean, because I never, ever looked up at them.  But by the time I left, six years later, it was a whole different story.  By then, I couldn’t get the swarm of people away from my desk, which made work hard to do!

Even though I blossomed during my working days, I suddenly dipped back into my quiet, bitter,  non speaking person after I quit my job to have my fourth child.  I was having people withdrawal, big time.  I missed working and I missed my co-workers.  I tried to stay in contact with a few after I quit, but eventually, we all separated.

I spent the next 5 years being a SAHM.  This is a lot of work, but rewarding to watch them grow.  However, I was depressed on a social level, very.

During the last five or six years, I had mind games constantly going on with my sisters.  It was so severe, that I cried every time I came home from seeing them.  To this day, I doubt they even know that.

I finally gave up with them and spoke up and that was that.  They are not in my life, nor will they ever be.  It was too much for Rich and I.  The last straw was when my sister called me a “moron as a parent” because of the jail incident, without getting the full story on my severe depression and suicide attempts.  I can’t stand when people jump to conclusions within five seconds.

I realized that I am a people person now and I needed people around me while I was home these past five years.  It never happened though.  Even though I wanted friends, I could never make any.  I had no idea how to.  It was just easier to hide.  I just stayed at home, except for my daily routines or taking the kids out.

A year and a half ago, I got a night auditor job.  I absolutely loved my job. It took me many months to heal because I had suddenly quit.  In an instant, my feelings of finally doing something to help the world and help support my family financially, had vanished so suddenly.  I think it actually put me in a shock for a while.

It wasn’t a big staff, but even though, sometimes you only need a few people around to make you smile.  Everyone that worked there was young.  I was the only one with children except for one other younger lady.  I felt like the old one in the group.

I do not know how I did it, but from day one of my interview for that job, I sat with the GM and we matched so perfectly, it was like I knew her all of my life.  I got the job immediately.

I talked to everyone.  I had no problem greeting guests as they walked in or just talking to them about anything they needed or had on their mind. I grew to learn about their kids, as they did with mine.  You get to learn who the repeat guests are.

When I was a night auditor, I was alone at this hotel.  Not another staff member there with me until 7:00am the next morning.  I had 8 full hours of running this 117 room hotel.  I felt powerful, but not in a cocky way.

I made instant decisions, as guests are waiting to get to their cozy bed after a long flight or drive.  I had to be assertive, but friendly, and I was.  Very much so.  This was not me in the past.

The job itself was awesome.  From the second week on, I knew everything and ran the desk like I had done all of my life, except I hadn’t.

I was so outgoing.  I loved the guests as I got to know them by name and the staff was awesome.

Then I had to leave.  I hate using the word shattered, but that is honestly how I felt.  I had lost something so important to me, so instantly.

I went back into a social and working depression.  I am for sure a worker and I work hard.  It took me many months to try to get out of the social funk.  For the next year and a half, I was back to being alone with the kids.  (not that there is anything wrong with being with your kids!)

The social depression got really bad.  It basically destroyed me and I truly gave up on everything that had to do with other people.  My birth mom had tried to come back into my life, only to abandon me again so fast.  Talk about a self esteem drop.

I tried Facebook, only to be crushed and stomped on after trying to be friends with certain people.  I felt so rejected.  What did I do wrong again?  Obviously I am not good enough in their eyes.

Once you are labeled and known as having Bipolar, you can sometimes be fucked.  That has happened to me.  Everyone just assumes I am crazy.  No one even knows me.  Internet people know me way better than people that are in my life, all except for my FIL.  And that of course is because there isn’t anyone else in my life now.

I gave up and vowed to never go back on Facebook. I truly hate that site.  It has caused me so much stress.  I didn’t even have friends to add, all of my friends were Mafia Wars members, I was so pathetic.  I won’t go back on Facebook, ever.  I can’t handle another round of rejection or constantly looking at my blank list of friends.

Rejection and the constant feeling that you are just “crazy” makes life so rough at times.  I am Kelly.  I am not “the Bipolar person”.  Love me for who I am.

After my depression the past 10 months, I was in a deep,dark hole, and then I got arrested.  Crash, burn.  Self esteem went way down, as people found out.  I was so embarrassed at first.  Here, a stay at home mom of four kids, who watches poker and cleans all day, is arrested.

This goes right back to “she’s just crazy”.  No one knew the reason of why I snapped.  It was not just a pissy mood moment at all, it was months of severe PTSD and a deep dark depression state after the Lamictal was started.

If only I knew back then what I know now.  That is the hard part.

Every time I looked at someone (which was hardly anyone, I have no friends and only a FIL for family), I always felt ashamed.  I hated myself. I felt like I was no good.

We all know the rest of the story from the January arrest to the hospital visit in the middle of Febuary.  I was admitted to the impatient Psych ward for ten days, then tried to commit suicide when I came out.  I was at that point that I was on so many drugs, my brain was literally destroyed and I had no chance at that point.  I had given up on life.  There was nothing left.

I got to the State Hospital at the end of March.  I was not admitted that day because I had tried to commit suicide earlier that day. What happened that day is locked up forever.  I will never talk about it.

In the hospital, everything changed.  I do not know what happened, except that I was surrounded by 17 other patients in the same deep, rock bottom barrel.  We all needed help.

I again, somehow managed to open myself up so quickly in there, that the staff and doctor were pretty much shocked.  I was never in my room, I was always out doing something, even if that meant playing massive marathon sessions of Solitaire with other patients.  I literally played hundreds of games of it.

I sat around daily and got to understand other people’s lives.  I was not the only person who needed help.  Something changed in me that said it was time to learn what compassion truly meant.  Due to my terrible past, I was always the type that said if you fell “get up”.  No sympathy, ever.

I will go in depth more about the hospital patients later.  That is a beautiful story to tell one day.

Emerging from the hospital, I felt so confident.  I truly cared about everyone I left behind, including the staff, and my favorite, the cleaning lady.

Everything seemed to be so free and stressful.

Then I was introduced to Seroquel Anger and Seroquel Anxiety.  My world suddenly crashed again, this time so fast, you barely had time to blink.

Fuck.

Two months of such horrible anger and anxiety almost made my husband leave for good.  At that time of course, I never had any idea it was from the medicine.  I found out sure enough.  I found such horrible things about this medicine.

We all know how it went for me weaning myself off this destructive drug.  I felt like I was dying, I wanted to die. Not because I was suicidal, but because the withdrawal was so mind blowing, I literally felt like I was dying.  This lasted a long time.

When the heavy dosage of Seroquel was out of my system, my life started to slowly emerge out of its shell again.

Through all of the last month, I really emerged.  This Seroquel destruction changed my life in so many ways, I lost count.  Yes, it was horrible to go through, but it really opened my eyes up to how bad the medical community is for medicine and it made me realize that big companies like AstraZeneca only want the money and the doctors need their precious kickbacks.  They do not truly care about us patients.

Seroquel might have destroyed me for over two months, but it no longer has that control over me.  I won’t let it.  And I am going to sure as hell try not to let this Lamcital ruin me like it did last year.  As we all know, Lamictal is what started this mess last October.

Besides taking care of my kids and my husband, I feel like I have finally found some sort of purpose in life, even if it only means to write and share my story with others.

I now talk, I talk to anyone.  I don’t care who it is, I am like a busy soical butterfly yapping away with such confidence.  Even if I were to get negative reactions, it doesn’t bother me.  I now know I can not make everyone happy, ever.

I love blogging about what I am going through.  I love getting my voice out.  I talk to people on Twitter constantly, getting awesome feedback and support from people all around the world who are going through the same thing.  I love learning about them as well.

I am not quiet.  Yes, it might just be an “online community”, but to me, that is what I have as my support.  Again, I do not have friends outside of online people and I do not have any family, any.  Grampa is all there is and an Uncle, but those are Rich’s relatives.

I have no problem talking very openly on my blog.  I share pretty much everything I go through.  And I do not sugarcoat anything.  If I am having a shitty day, I tell it.  If I am pissed off at Seroquel, I bitch about the lack of caring AstraZeneca truly has.

I speak up.  I also try to throw humor in, like funny pictures, to show that you need to have some humor in blogging while sharing your experiences and life.

Rich loves my passion. He has loved what I have become.  He even gets a little jealous at times, because my blog blew up so fast, in only a month.  He teases me about it.  I get embarrassed.  Don’t know why.

He told his father recently that he wishes he could be like me.  He doesn’t speak up.  He holds back.  He sees me speaking up for anything that is on my mind or may be upsetting me.  For instance, he saw me write that mean note to the neighbors and walk over there with my head held high and plastered it on their door.  I also had no problem yelling at them from across the street recently when they were again blocking the driveway.

Now I am not saying I am being a mean person.  I am speaking up in a blunt, harsh voice when I feel we are being hurt or taken advantage of.  With the neighbors, we are purposely getting targeted for absolutely no reason.

I am speaking up in a whole other manner when I am happy and am surrounded by people and have things to share to help others.  I do not hold back.

I went to Rich and Grampa’s Fraternity House for the first time on Sunday. I wasn’t nervous one bit, even though I didn’t know a single person.  I fit right in I felt.  I talked to people and enjoyed myself.  In the past, my arms would have been crossed in an angry matter.

I love my voice, I am hoping this Lamictal doesn’t destroy it.  I don’t want to hide again.  I want my voice to continue being heard.

I want to write a book one day or at least a mini book, especially about the last ten months.  I am really hoping to do that.

It is 3:30am.  I am wide awake from the Lamictal.  Today I plan on using my voice to get a little feisty with my doctor, although I will be exhausted all day.

Found this quote today about Bipolar today:

While Bi-Polar is the most controversial of all of the things mentioned, remember it is a collection of behaviors that have been given a label.

Labels.  This word upsets me.  I cringe whenever I hear it.

I feel that there are a lot of labels in this world.  There is a label now for everything. Talk to fast?  You must be ADD or ADHD.  Can’t focus, again ADHD.  Stressing too much?  You have an anxiety disorder.  I can go on and on.  There is truly a label for everything.  I do not like labels at all.  They are over used and are now handed out like candy.  I have noticed lately, that more and more younger children are now each having new labels added to their life daily.  Let kids be kids.  Goodness.

I found this sentence on one of my favorite blogger’s site.

“I have more labels than a labeling machine.”

Really hits me.

After a mood episode with me (which are so rare now, they barely exist), I look back and see what triggered it.  There has always been a trigger into what starts a depressed mood, rapid cycling, or hypomanic moods for me.  The key word here is me.

It made me think.  I have never thought about my Bipolar until everything I went through in the last 10 months.  Talk about an eye opener.

For me, I felt moody, so I went to a “trained” doctor, was given a pill to shove down my throat, and was sent on my way.  That was it.  I thought everything would be fine since this was a good doctor supposedly and in my eyes, medicine is suppose to work.  If you can only go back in time.

When I look back to when I was diagnosed with Bipolar about five to six years ago, the depression state I was in was because of many reasons.  Technically, I told the doctor that I was just “depressed” for no reason.  But was I really?

If I look deeper into the main depression that got me into the doctor in the first place, I find something interesting.

My Bipolar did not start until after I was severely traumatized.  At the same time, I had just become a new mom to three new children.  Was it just PPD that lasted normal than usual?  Did my traumatic past trigger my Bipolar?  Was I just overwhelmed with life?  Was I even truly depressed or was I just looking for attention because I am home alone all day with four kids?  Do I act moody on purpose?

I wonder.

I got this email from a lady a few days ago. I won’t say her name for privacy reasons but it says this:

There is some clinical evidence that traumatic events can trigger bipolar in persons that are genetically at risk for bipolar.

I was told my birth mom has Bipolar, although she has never admitted it and says she pretty much doesn’t use labels.  She is not in my life, she walked out on me when I was around 3 and then after trying to re-enter my life again at 29, she once again abandoned me. 

But lets look at my mom now for a minute. Her life was a mess.  She had traumatic experiences with my dad when they were married.   She was mentally, verbally, and physically abused by him.  She abandoned me because in her words “she had no other choice”.  That is a whole other story for another day.

My birth mom has had a very traumatic life, just like me.  She had no feeling of being safe or of being happy due to this trauma.

Almost the same life as me.  Did her trauma cause her Bipolar?

Now lets go back to the email from this lady.  I have sent a few emails back and forth to this lady and she has always been open and honest, even if we do not agree with medicine or what not.  I always appreciate when people can have a deep conversation without insults or people getting upset.

I start up debates  on Twitter because I am so against medicine.  But most people agree to disagree with me. For anyone who gets mad at me, simply block or unfollow me.  I have never gotten upset at people who unfollow me.  I can not make everyone happy and I now no longer try.  I do not purposely start these discussions, I can post something as simple as “I think I am the only one who is so against Psych meds”.  People respond and we talk about it from everyone’s point of view.

Some medicine works for some people, some it doesn’t.  For me, it destroyed me, literally.  But I would never tell someone to not take medicine.

I only write about Serqouel and other medicines to allow people to read of what my experiences with these have been.  They have not been good.

Lets go back to discuss if traumatic events can trigger Bipolar.  This is only a discussion, I have not gone in a direction either way for if I agree it does or not.  I am merely interested in if it can cause it.

Here are a few posts from other people who ask the same question.  These are a few responses:

“A traumatic event can trigger it or environmental situations can also have an impact of development of the disorder.”

“Personally, I’d observe the things that are going on around her.  Bipolar is generally a condition in which people create a personality that offers protection against threats. If she has a reason to feel threatened, this will come out.  If she doesn’t feel safe, the other personality kicks in.  I don’t think that she’s trying to tell you that she’s crazy. I think she’s trying to tell you that someone IS a threat to her, and she needs your help.”

“There is no true data to support heritability or any real biological component that is a contributing factor for Bipolar Disorder… There are many theories, yes, and many facts that have been found, but there is no conclusive answer that will tell you whether you will get it or not. However, there is a link in heritability that has recently been found between Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. This isn’t proven for sure, but it’s worth consideration.”

“Inherited and environmental.”

“It can be inherited, yes…although doesn’t always have to be….my husband has bipolar, and no one else in his family has ever been diagnosed with it, however he had an abusive, dysfunctional childhood….so, environment had a huge part in his bipolar.”

“It can be a genetic tendency. And it can also be because of outside factors as well.  Nature and nurture.”

“The symptoms you’ve listed can apply to a whole range of different conditions and many of us can feel this way if we’re depressed or things aren’t going our way. Some of these feelings in a mild form are just a normal part of life. To build them into a major illness is not really helpful and can lead to people using their ‘condition’ as an excuse not to make the usual effort required to progress in life and get along with others.”

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I find this all very interesting to me.  Very.  Everyone has different opinions, but this is something people are obviously talking about.  It is just something though that makes people nervous to openly discuss, as they do not want to piss off people with their opinions.  I personally have no problem putting my thoughts and questions out there for everyone to see.

Going back to my Rapid Cycling, I have noticed that I have triggers for each up and down.  I will list some of the big ones here.  Most of these are no longer an issue, as most have been talked about in Therapy and the Hospital.

- Past of Rich

- Past of me

- A very mind controlling “friend” (no longer in life obv)

- Money stress

- Children going from “good” to causing ungodly terror

- Weather.  Yes, honestly weather can bring my mood up suddenly, only to have me crash when the storm is over.

- Therapy

- Drs visits

- Family or lack of

- My two inpatient hospital stays, thinking of what I went through

- Getting arrested in Jan and for brief moments thinking of court hearings, which made me then crash only to go back up after the thought passed.  Court case was dismissed, so no longer an issue, but thinking about how terrible jail was, sometimes makes me go up and down very fast.  Bad with how bad it was, good with that it is over now and I never have to go back to court again for this issue.

- Moving. Feeling great about this house, feeling stressed about moving, then feeling great about the house again, up and down.

- Bills. I can go up and down so fast when mail arrives.

- Heated debates with hubby.  We are very different with opinions.  I am the loud mouth.

- Lack of sleep, a huge one.  Get tired, go down, get a second wave, right back up, only to crash again.

- Being bored at times and restless in our home.  I am happy and doing great when I am out with the kids moving around and then I get home and everyone seems to get bored fast, so boom, mommy crashes down again.  Then if we go back out when daddy gets home, mommy goes back up again.

- Running our air conditioner.  May seem silly, but I get in these moods where I am like “Ok Kelly, our APS bill was $500 this month (it really was!), so we can’t run the air, only to change my mind two minutes later to saying fuck it, its just money.

These are my major triggers that cause me to go up and down so fast.  Yes, I truly have triggers.  I also have a few really weird triggers that I will never tell anyone.  Sometimes I just need to keep somethings to only myself.  I stop myself now if I have rapid-cycling, as I always know when I do and I say “Ok, what has happened today to trigger this?”

I was hypomanic Saturday and Sunday.  I was talking really fast and I couldn’t sit and have fun at the bowling alley, I had to come home to clean.  And that is what I did. I was also very sexually active with hubby, attacking him multiple times a day.  I then asked myself “what happened this weekend that put me out of whack?”  I didn’t sleep, not sleeping is a huge trigger for sending me into hypomania.  My friend even said that it does it to her too.  Not sleeping at all puts me into waves.  Up, cleaning really fast with a good wave, then bam, tiredness hits, then back up for another wave.

But as I said in my previous post last night, my hypomania sessions are never bad.  They are actually very productive and exciting.

My cycles always have triggers, always.  Looking back, I never even gave my rapid cycling a thought.  Now I do.  Now I ask myself what is going on in my life during a hypomania session.  And I always find something that happened to trigger it, always.

Again, my rapid cycling and my  hypomanic sessions are so rare now.  That one I had this past weekend was the first one in a few weeks.  No sleep, mommy goes haywire.

The first thing I said to Rich was “I am hypomanic right now, look how fast I am talking.” I don’t normally talk fast out loud, only in my typing. 

To end this interesting topic for me, I want to say this.  I did not make this post to stir anything up or to piss anyone off.  I use my blog to express how I feel about certain things.  I am always thinking of my life now and my Bipolar. Sometimes I even get frustrated with using the label Bipolar, as it makes me really wonder.

I would love to get any feedback on this delicate topic.  Am I crazy?  Do you agree?  Do you not agree and why?  If you ever have wondered about this topic, please leave a comment, even if it is telling me I am absolutely nuts in my thinking.  I accept any and all comments.  Positive or negative.

Come on guys! Lots of people on my site daily, I know someone has an opinion!