Banner Hospital called me today and had to reschedule my evaluation appointment from Tuesday to Wednesday. I am so scared they won’t take me seriously. I am afraid they are just going to say “oh you are depressed, go see your therapist”. Well I have been f***** seeing my therapist for 14 weeks now, I need something more. I love my Therapist, it is just we are still only doing surface issues and not deep issues and I need more. I only get to see the Therapist every Tuesday for 45 minutes. Can you see why I need more?
When the nurse from Banner talked to me, she was like “how can we help you?”
I said “My husband I need some other therapy, I have been seeing a Therapist for 14 weeks now and I need something more in depth”. Then I said “I was arrested on 1.22 for going nuts on my husband and we have kids, so I need help with my anger from my past”. I also said “I have severe Bipolar II and need help with how gloomy I feel most days.” I don’t really get into highs anymore or even hypo mania, those are VERY rare now thanks to the Lamictal. Lamictal is meant to keep you stable, so you don’t go nuts and murder someone. It also prevents you from getting into highs to where you aren’t out spending thousands of dollars (been there, done that!). So by me taking Lamictal, I am just in between. However, I still feel gloomy most days and it is hard for me to feel happy, even though everything on the outside looks good. I mean Rich has a great job, we have the house, even if we do rent, both our cars are paid off, all four kids are very healthy, we have good health insurance, we have two awesome dogs and the list goes on.
But sometimes the superficial things aren’t what you need right now. Sometimes you need more help and that is what I need right now.
I talked to my dad yesterday for 30 minutes. I told him I needed help and what happened and he said it is a good first step to call the Hospital. He said it can only make you stronger.
The hospital has 3hrs of very intense treatment 3 days a week. It isn’t like my counseling where I show up for 45 minutes and talk. This is in depth, getting into your mind counseling. They cover everything from past abuse, anxiety, how to control and handle depression, bipolar and other things. It is group therapy though, so that means you need to open yourself up to other people that are going through the same thing. You are not alone in this world, there ARE other people going through just as much pain as you are. You are never alone.
I am scared for this next step. I am sick of feeling gloomy for no reason. I know its from my past and I just need help. I have put it off for 11 years and now it is coming back to bite me in the ass.
